Or will be shortly. And by shortly I mean in a week. ish.

Because I seem to have a horseshoe wrapped in four leaf clovers stuck up my arse as of late, I’ve decided to post the following message, which I’d usually reserve for a Facebook status, below. Because, hey, some awesome Aussie employer could just happen to be googling ‘Kayak Sex‘ (I don’t judge) and just happen to stumble upon this message and be all like ‘Aw, this chick seems awesome. Ima totally going to offer her this awesome job with very respectable pay in a conveniently located neighborhood, the perks of which just happen to involve free rent in this awesome flat above said workplace‘.

. . .It could happen. You don’t know.

Right, Message:

MELBOURNE PEEPS: . . .I have unfortunately not won any lotteries nor inheritances over the past 5 months and, as such, still sadly need to work for a living (like a chump). If you know of someone hiring for jobs (I have many obscure skill sets) that do not suck terribly and pay a livable wage, please get at me.

I have also not yet evolved into some awesome snail and or/turtle person hybrid (lame), and thus also need somewhere to live. I have a couch arranged for my first several weeks in town but am on the hunt for something more permanent. Cheap is good, drama-free roomies and solid internet connection are both musts, desired area is within sane bike-riding distance of Dominance MMA (which is to say something around East Melbourne, Carlton, Fitzroy, Richmond-ish. . . .)

Any help in procuring one or both of these things is greatly appreciated. Appreciation will likely be shown with hugs, cooked meals and, if you’ve pretty eyes, possibly massages.

Cheers, all. Looking forward to the OSSSSS!!

*

*See, ‘oss’ is like a BJJ thing. I suppose I could have edited that out. It probably would have been less effort than writing this footnote. Actually, it definitely would have been less effort, particularly given how long I’m dragging this out. It’s late. I’m tired. By late I mean it’s 9:30pm. Station life has ruined me. Also I’ve been staring at this computer all day trying to arrange trains and flights out of Queensland (travel in the Outback: trickier to arrange than you think. Was one step away from saddling a roo.) and it’s destroyed my mind. What was I saying? Fuck I should really go to sleep.

This is a picture of a fish I made from a cantaloupe (known in Australia as a ‘rock melon’). Only ONE of my many hidden talents. Please hire me.